I have been married for pretty much forever. Okay, that's not true. But it kind of seems like I have never been not married. Youknowwhatimean? So, here we are on our wedding day.
It was a nice, quiet wedding. Anyway, everybody knows that the wedding day has pretty much nothing to do with the rest of your marriage, except it celebrates the first day of eating lots of cake together. Which I will touch on later. I know lots of people think marriage is old fashioned, but lots of people still do it. It's cool if you never want to get married. But I did, and I did for what I feel like is the right reason. To get tons of presents. I accidentally stumbled on something awesome by getting married, though. Hold on to your knickers, kids, it's about to get gross.
So here is my list of why marriage is not all cupcakes and smiling clouds, but is still pretty much the coolest thing ever:
1. Commitment. What's that, you say? You're scared of commitment? Me too. Sort of. For some reason I was like, "Cool, I've known you for a short amount of time but I can tell we get along let's intertwine our lives immediately," but I have commitment issues in other areas....like..oh...my education. You'd think just deciding on a stupid degree and getting it would be easier than getting married. Nope. Anyway, psychological disorders aside, commitment is cool. It's kind of amazing to know that when your face melts off at the end of the day someone still wants to kiss it. Not that unmarried people don't kiss, but the point is that there is never any pressure to be an olympic-level hottie, because he has already signed up to be with you when your chin skin sags to meet your collar bone. Which, by my estimate, will be about 3 more dog years for me.
2. Bathroom door, what bathroom door? Remember those old days of having to shut the bathroom door? So inconvenient! It takes tons of extra time, you have to fiddle with a lock, AND it prevents you from hearing the TV. Ugh. Ridiculous. Ours practically vanished when we got married. It is totally liberating. However, as of late I have slightly amended our bathroom door rule to include a "don't bother me" clause. Because otherwise I never get alone time. But that is a motherhood issue, not a marriage one.
3. I have help with anything I need. More than just the regular ole jar lid situation. There's also the honeyIpukedonthefloorbecauseIampregnantandIamtoogrossedouttocleanitup kind of help. Pretty much invaluable, my friends. I can't say that all husbands are this cool, but mine is. I mean, he'd even do it for non-pregnant puke. He is such a catch.
4. Sometimes, when you worry about your bowel movements(dude, we all do), you now have someone to talk to about it. It would be unacceptable in my (very short) book of etiquette to run to my parents every time things were rainbow-colored. But now I have Dave! And he actually responds to my gross inquiries with non-sarcastic remarks! Ah! If that's not true love, I don't know what is.
5. You always know where you stand. You know how when you first start getting to know a guy, and you text and you talk, and you obsess over whether you're sending him the right message or if you are being too needy or if just maybe you are just a little too aloof? All that ridiculousness is gone. I know my standing with Dave 100% of the time. I never have to worry about chasing him off by being a psychopath (read: me). I never have to wonder if he likes me. I never have to get jealous if he is talking to another girl. I am feeling puh-ritty secure here.
5. You are now tied in first place for poorest person in the world. With your spouse. Because you share a bank account. And Dave and I are going to hold onto that first place position because we are a couple of winners.
There are about 45 thousand more reasons why I love being married. Seriously though (put on your galoshes, things are about to get mushy), Dave is why I love it so much. If you had asked me five years ago to guess what my husband would be like, I would not have described the dude that sleeps in my bed (or my husband. Joke. That's a joke. We definitely have two twin beds). One time I dated a guy that was all flowers and love songs and I thought I needed that. Yeah, it was okay. Now, Dave is the opposite. He, actually, has never bought me flowers ("they cost a ton and they die right away. If I want to spend money on you I'll buy you something you actually need, like socks,") and has never dedicated a love song to me. He is so simple, and I need that, because I am so incredibly complicated. His proposal was simple too. He took me to a hill, told me how he spent many hours there as a boy with his friends talking about what they wanted out of life. Then he got down on one knee and told me that I was what he wanted in his life (RIGHT?? BIG BABY TEARS). Anyway, being serious is making me uncomfortable. Really though, am I the only person in the world that was sort of surprised that Mr. Right was not "my type?"
1. Commitment. What's that, you say? You're scared of commitment? Me too. Sort of. For some reason I was like, "Cool, I've known you for a short amount of time but I can tell we get along let's intertwine our lives immediately," but I have commitment issues in other areas....like..oh...my education. You'd think just deciding on a stupid degree and getting it would be easier than getting married. Nope. Anyway, psychological disorders aside, commitment is cool. It's kind of amazing to know that when your face melts off at the end of the day someone still wants to kiss it. Not that unmarried people don't kiss, but the point is that there is never any pressure to be an olympic-level hottie, because he has already signed up to be with you when your chin skin sags to meet your collar bone. Which, by my estimate, will be about 3 more dog years for me.
2. Bathroom door, what bathroom door? Remember those old days of having to shut the bathroom door? So inconvenient! It takes tons of extra time, you have to fiddle with a lock, AND it prevents you from hearing the TV. Ugh. Ridiculous. Ours practically vanished when we got married. It is totally liberating. However, as of late I have slightly amended our bathroom door rule to include a "don't bother me" clause. Because otherwise I never get alone time. But that is a motherhood issue, not a marriage one.
3. I have help with anything I need. More than just the regular ole jar lid situation. There's also the honeyIpukedonthefloorbecauseIampregnantandIamtoogrossedouttocleanitup kind of help. Pretty much invaluable, my friends. I can't say that all husbands are this cool, but mine is. I mean, he'd even do it for non-pregnant puke. He is such a catch.
4. Sometimes, when you worry about your bowel movements(dude, we all do), you now have someone to talk to about it. It would be unacceptable in my (very short) book of etiquette to run to my parents every time things were rainbow-colored. But now I have Dave! And he actually responds to my gross inquiries with non-sarcastic remarks! Ah! If that's not true love, I don't know what is.
5. You always know where you stand. You know how when you first start getting to know a guy, and you text and you talk, and you obsess over whether you're sending him the right message or if you are being too needy or if just maybe you are just a little too aloof? All that ridiculousness is gone. I know my standing with Dave 100% of the time. I never have to worry about chasing him off by being a psychopath (read: me). I never have to wonder if he likes me. I never have to get jealous if he is talking to another girl. I am feeling puh-ritty secure here.
5. You are now tied in first place for poorest person in the world. With your spouse. Because you share a bank account. And Dave and I are going to hold onto that first place position because we are a couple of winners.
There are about 45 thousand more reasons why I love being married. Seriously though (put on your galoshes, things are about to get mushy), Dave is why I love it so much. If you had asked me five years ago to guess what my husband would be like, I would not have described the dude that sleeps in my bed (or my husband. Joke. That's a joke. We definitely have two twin beds). One time I dated a guy that was all flowers and love songs and I thought I needed that. Yeah, it was okay. Now, Dave is the opposite. He, actually, has never bought me flowers ("they cost a ton and they die right away. If I want to spend money on you I'll buy you something you actually need, like socks,") and has never dedicated a love song to me. He is so simple, and I need that, because I am so incredibly complicated. His proposal was simple too. He took me to a hill, told me how he spent many hours there as a boy with his friends talking about what they wanted out of life. Then he got down on one knee and told me that I was what he wanted in his life (RIGHT?? BIG BABY TEARS). Anyway, being serious is making me uncomfortable. Really though, am I the only person in the world that was sort of surprised that Mr. Right was not "my type?"
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