This year I don't resolve to do anything. Every single time I make a resolution I break it. My resolve is worth crap. But I have decided to make a few little goals. Here is the first in my utterly un-fascinating list of un-resolutions.
1. lose the baby weight
I know this is such a cliche. Boo hoo. Get over it.
The other day Dave asked me about insecurities. I don't remember exactly how it came up, but he was asking about how I know what women are insecure about. I felt pretty smart when I explained that when women are insecure about something they bring it up. Not always in a self-deprecating way, but often apologetically, and many times through humor. I felt even smarter when he rattled off a few women and I was able to tell him what (I perceive, and I'm pretty certain I'm right) are their insecurities. Then I was thinking about my own endless verbal spewings. I don't know how my friends stand me! I am so fixated on my issues and insecurities that I constantly bring them up. But saying "haha let me eat this entire cake right now because it's hard to not eat like I'm pregnant even though I have a five-month-old and should totally be used to not making a human baby inside my body" isn't really cute. It's sad. I am fixated on my weight, and I feel like everyone is watching every bite I take and judging it, when in fact I am the only one obsessed with it.
Yeah, my body is different. My habits are different. I have a kid now, so I could totally just go on wearing maternity jeans until I give in and just buy fat pants and then buy bigger fat pants because I'm still eating ravenously and have 800 more babies and put on 20 pounds that I'll never lose for each of those. That's 1600 lbs, my friends. And while that sounds super fun, that would also require a lifetime's worth of awkward self-conscious comments. BTW, props to Mama Duggar who has been pregnant pretty much constantly since the dawn of time and isn't a ginormous cow. So I could follow that trajectory and gleefully shove fist-fulls of mayonnaise in my face everyday, but I would rather suffer through a little bit of self-discipline and sweat than have to come up with all those excuses for the rest of my life.
So here it is. This year I want to lose my extra padding. I want to feel comfortable in my clothes. I want to feel like I can pull off whatever I want to wear. I want to feel strong and in control.
