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| she gets her creepiness from me |
You liked them when they were pregnant (side note: if your friends are a couple that are deeply in love and are both committed to raising this child, THEY are pregnant. Don't be nit picky about "No, only that chick is pregnant." Especially to a hormonal pregnant woman). Anyway...you liked them when they were pregnant. You might have felt the baby kick. You feigned excitement at seeing the ultrasounds. Hopefully you bought them stuff. But now there is a rift. Because you don't understand that:
1. We are obsessed with our kid. Seriously. Put your bieber fever away, because you have no idea what obsessed is. Every phase in their development is the most fascinating thing we have heretofore experienced. Holy shiz, our baby squeaks! What a prodigy! Look how small her feet are! Every nuance of their personality is adorable, and we want to shout it from the mountain tops. Like, right this second Reese is reclining in her old infant car seat singing and hugging her bear (which she has named bob). ADORABLE.
What can you do with this? Well, take an interest in our kid. Maybe you're not a kid person. So what. But you are a friend person. And our kid is just an extension of us in a way more hilarious form.
2. We want to hang out with our kid 5000x more than we will ever want to hang out with you. Yeah, sometimes we need a break, but honestly, we get those pretty seldom, so maybe break time should be husband wife smoochy time. Not your time. It's expensive, but mostly nerve-wracking to get a babysitter, so we don't really want to do it that often. Don't ask us to. We know that we're not your only friends, and hopefully you can deal with the fact that you'll never be as cool as our kid, so really, it's unnecessary for you to invite us to things that we logistically (or otherwise) can't involve our child in. Want an example? Unless our kid is over 8 and we are going to see a disney movie, don't invite us to meet you at the movie theater. You might fall into the trap of having some successful movie trips a first, when baby is still immobile and pretty much just needs liquid to be satisfied, but it won't last. If we took Reese to a movie, she would be happy eating popcorn for..say..12 seconds. And then she would want to run. And snoop. And eat crap off the floor. NIGHTMARE.
What can you do then? Well. We can go to a restaurant with you. As long as it's not too fancy and we won't be kicked out when our kid throws a fistful of artichoke dip on the floor. Basically, we can go anywhere where we can actually allow our child to be a crazy monster and it won't be too disruptive. Because restraining our kids from monster behavior is A. Horrible for us and B. Horrible for our kid. Whom we are obsessed with.
3. don't point out weird things about our kids unless we do it first. Example: a family member always "reassures" us that Reese will grow into her ears someday. Which makes me want to drop-kick them into North Korea. Reese is freaking beautiful. And perfect. And, hot dang, she's a genius. So don't criticize peoples' kids.
I feel that I have more to say, but I must end here for now. Hopefully this will get you started on the path to keeping your friends with kids.
P.S. We never mention how weird you are about your dogs. but you are.
