You may not feel better than anyone else, poor people. especially the people driving range rovers. but you are. Don't believe me? I will enlighten you. Because enlightenment is free. And not the kind of "free"where they ask for donations at the end and you have to act all aloof like "i wasn't really that enlightened" but inside you're all "spending my remaining $.17 on food is better."
But, first order of business is that we need to define poor. There are a lot of wannabes and posers out there. So we're gonna define this a la Jeff Foxworthy. You might not actually be poor if you couldn't afford this year's cruise because you spent all your money on a beemer instead (I don't care if it is three years old and used. Does. Not. Matter.) You might not actually be poor if you think the markdown bins at the grocery store are gross (they aren't. I just paid $4 for like a thousand pounds of salmon, so you're the sucker here. Not me.)You might not actually be poor if you own pretty much any apple products. Because poor people are all like,"No, this banana is just as good." You might not actually be poor if you look towards tax season with angst. Trust me, tax season is amazing. I think this year we will just cash our return and let the aroma fill our home. You might not actually be poor if you have never wanted to throw up at the store. Because sometimes spending money makes me want to die. You might not actually be poor if you have never let your husband trim your hair. Who wants to spend like $15 for some barely-passed-beauty school girl to screw up your hair when your husband can do it at home for free? You might not actually be poor if everyone in your family has their own bedroom, and you still have an extra. You know, for like an office. Or a craft room. Or something else equally ridiculous.
Do we feel sufficiently segregated? Then I shall continue.
Being poor makes you better than everyone else because:
1. You can do anything. Seriously. If we can pay all our bills and then also still have some leftover to waste in our gas tank for a two hour drive to wherevers with our zero dollar paychecks, I can't even begin to imagine the mountains we could move if we made like, actual money. Give us $30,000 a year and we could buy a mansion and then also tour europe for a month. Because we are unstoppable. Fake poor people are pathetic, with their I-make-forty-grand-a-year-and-my-life-is-so-hard-because-I-am-paying-five-hundred-dollars-a-year-on-a-gym-membership-I-don't-use-so-now-i-can't-afford-to-buy-all-these-things-i-want-from-pampered-chef problems.
2. You are so level-headed. Being poor really makes you ask "why should I buy?" For me, the answer has to be puh-ritty compelling. No impulse shopping on this side of the poverty line. My shopping usually goes something like this:
Pants: You would look great in me
Me: Of course I would, but that is true of pretty much everything (glasses, anyone?) so you're going to have to do better than that.
Pants: I would go with all of your other clothes
Me: Yeah, but that's not that uncommon either. There's not a lot you can't pair with jeans.
Pants: You need me.
Me: Need? I have like, two other pairs. Which, if I switch off and wash them in the sink between trips to the laundromat, work just fine.
Pants: I'm on clearance.
Me: Sold.
3. You are above materialism. Well, you are, whether you want to be or not. Stop being a sad poor person and just own it. You're friends will all be like, "Whoa, that poor person really doesn't let materialism rule their life like we do. They have morals and will leave their mark on this world while we are all busy standing in line trampling people on thanksgiving." You might want to consider recycling and going vegetarian to reinforce how moral you are. But don't be ridiculous, we both know that you can't afford to eat organic.
4. You are such a hard worker. I work with a lot of teenagers (do I therefore work a teenager's job? Hmmm) and, quite frankly, not that many of them naturally have great work ethic. But I do! Mostly because I can't afford to suck. Because no one is letting me live in their house, or letting me eat their food. We poor people work hard because if we don't we might literally starve to death. It's this kind of thing that will make us all not poor someday. Keep it up, sweatshop children.
Just remember, you can take the person out of the poor, but you can't take the poor out of the person. See you in europe!
