buffets: a guide for the novice

We've all been there. There are 100 steaming serving dishes in front of you. This ain't no small potatoes five-option wedding buffet. This is a REAL buffet. Whether you are in Vegas or at your local Chuck-a-Rama, you need a strategy.

(I know this isn't funny, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't laughing uproariously right now)

Here's a list of don'ts:
1. Don't scoop out more than 1-2 bites of anything you might be interested in. My experience tells me only about 20% of the edible materials that look good to a hungry stomach actually taste like the food they are meant to resemble.
2. Don't you dare be worried about that growing stack of 1500 plates on your table. Is your "server" (aka drink refiller) judging you? Probably, but I doubt you are the most grotesque thing they've seen that day. I bet you are in the "forgettably shameful" category.
3. Don't freak out about leaving a tip. You paid $15.00 (not including the drink) for the opportunity to get out of your seat 17 times and get your own slop. Last time Dave and I went, we opted to give a tip, but only because the teenage boy was really nice and talked to a little girl in our section about Justin Bieber (that 7-year old was right on. The biebs is totes hot) for like 10 minutes. Oh yeah, and because our tiny DNA-thief  might have thrown 800 grains of rice on the ground. But my memory of that is a little foggy.
4. Don't get your food from the right side of the bowl. Most people are right-handed. You see where I'm going with this?
5. Don't sit too closely to other people. Especially if your baby is as cute as mine. I came here to shove my face full of cubed jello, people. Not discuss whether or not you think my minor has enough fat/too much fat on her thighs.
6. Don't use the chocolate fountain. Seriously. This is all I can think of whenever I see a chocolate fountain:

 And it makes me want to vomit.

But this world isn't all about don'ts. So here are some do-s. (HOW DO I PLURALIZE THAT WITHOUT SPEAKING SPANISH?!):

1. Do visit during busy times. Because then you have a slightly better chance of actually consuming fare that was prepared this century (to be fair, last century was only 12 years ago).
2.Do learn an alternate language with your buffy (buffet+buddy=buffy). Something a little more obscure, like Danish. That way you can immediately react to the absurdity around you and discuss accordingly. BONUS: You can act like you don't understand the people that are trying to interrupt your jello-fest (it just tastes better when it's cubed!).


I feel like I could write a whole book on this. And maybe I should. Hmmmm. Hashtag mylifecalling??