more poverty, more sexy!

I know, I know. You're thinking "Hey wait! You never actually told me how to be sexypoor. All you did was make me jealous of how perfect and trauma-free your childhood was!" Yesssss, I did. So here are the actual steps you can use (besides not eating out and skipping cable...obviously).

Here I am, just being poor and reminiscing on my totes aweso childhood

1. Don't try to fool people. You're not rich, and you definitely don't need to try and look like you are. If you try to trick people, I guarantee your life will go all Mean Girls where at first you are like "hey me and poverty are best friends, but I'm going to put on lipgloss and infiltrate the rich people and they will think I am one of them and they will tell me all their rich secrets and my life will be wonderful." It won't. You will ruin everybody's lives and end up as a Mathlete. So don't buy fancy things when you don't have a fancy paycheck. Seriously, people care soooooo much less than you think they do. Also, those people that you would like to impress? They are probably struggling too. My dad always said, "You never know how much someone makes, only how much someone spends." Smart, right? So stop comparing yourself. Those people that can afford stuff still live with their parents. Quit the comparisons. YOUR WHINING IS DRIVING ME CRAZY.

2. This goes hand-in-hand with the first one, but sometimes you gotta learn how to just say no. Yes, young people like to engage in a lot of late night Denny's. But, (back to our eating out thing) your $4 plate of cheesevomit and your $2 drink can add up quickly. Yeah, I know it sucks to be the friend that says you can't, but you know what's worse? Being the idiot friend who always has to bum off their friends. NO ONE LIKES YOU. If you can't afford it, say no.

What is that, you say? You actually want to have a social life? It's coo. Next time your friends are like, "Hey, poorface let's go do stuff you can't afford," you can say "hey, that's not really in my budget" ("oh my!" they'll think "how responsible they are!") "but hows about you all come over to my house so I can try out this new recipe on you guys?" They will all kiss your feet and think you're awesome. Unless you can't cook. Then PLEASE for the love of Henry just have a game night.

3. Embrace the DIY. Let's get crafty and resourceful! Next time you find yourself pining over something, see if you can make an acceptable substitute for a portion of the price. I really want some mint jeans, but there's no way spending $50 on a pair doesn't make me want to barf, so instead I am going to bleach some skinnies I already have and spend $2 on dye. The fact that I can make them myself makes me want to run through Nordstrom proclaiming the Truth, that you don't have to pay so much for something you will hate in a year! What? You don't know how to do stuff? Well, lucky for you, youtube does. Seriously, I am addicted to tutorials on youtube like it's my crack. But this crack is free, legal, and hasn't yet torn apart my family.

There are pros of the DIY: People are impressed. Seriously, I have lots of people fooled into thinking I am good at making stuff and things, merely because I am too cheap to buy it already made. Another pro, DIY is actually fashionable right now. Pinterest has blown up the world with DIY projects. So just give in! Do it yourself!

4. Don't be a snob. My grandparents are amazing people. They started from nothing, but they have done well. Like, WELL. Dave Ramsey asks them for advice. They have lots of nice things (that they bought when they could afford them), but they still save money where they can, even though they probably don't need to save money as much as most of us. One time I was at their house, and they both got in from their errands they were running separately. What did they both buy? Bread that had been marked down to $.99 from the bakery thrift store. I was all, "Whhaaaaat?? You guys go to the bakery thrift store? Shouldn't you be getting your bread from King Tut's tomb or something like that?"

So drop your snobbery. I was in line at the store the other day behind a lady who spent like $40 on her shampoo and conditioner. And let me tell you, her hair looked like crap. C.R.A.P. Now, I'm not saying you have to use V05 (however you SHOULD buy that for your husband...he can't tell the difference), but maybe you could try some pantene or garnier fructis or something (TIP! they pretty much always have coupons/sales on those not-crap-but-not-salon brands). This is not just about hair. Get over your brand issues. Remember that one time when I told you that no one really cares what you do? They don't care if you buy your clothes from Ross instead of Buckle (but they do care if they have to buy you dinner because you spent all your money at buckle). You're going to look amazing in whatever you wear anyway, since you don't eat out or watch cable all day.