how to ensure that you take a girl on the worst date of her life

This is a guide for the gentlemen callers. The ones that don't know how to call. All of these guaranteed worst-date techniques and tricks are based on my own experiences (some experiences may have been experienced vicariously). I just think that women make as much sense to men as the baby/sun makes sense to the viewers of teletubbies, which is to say, none. The men folk need a little guidance. Here it is maley males! Some simple ways to make sure your contact name in her phone is changed to douche canoe immediately following and/or during your date.

 

1. Talk a lot about your exes. Seriously. This is gonna be good. She will love it when you describe in detail the characteristics that you love of your recent ex.Wanna know the only thing that will make that conversation more exciting for her? Go ahead now and let's talk body. Tell her all about your exes smokin curves and her amazing eyes. Please please PLEASE don't forget to tell the story about how she is such a good kisser that you couldn't help but make out in front of 17 generations of her family at their 12th annual whatever-the-crap. I know you and your ex had some bad times as well, but steeeeeer clear of those stories. That will just make her sad. Stick to the good stuff.

2. Don't plan a single thing. You heard me, let's just let life take us where it will. Your constant "what do you wanna do"s will just sweep her off her feet. Nothing is sexier than a man without a clue. Make sure you display your masculinity by rejecting anything she suggests. Seriously. We love it when a man can just take control AND demean us at the same time. It's a twofer!

3. Talk about her body....a lot. If you can find time between talking about your ex Brittany/Jessica/Hilary, that is. It doesn't matter what kind of body she has. This is win-win, because she'll love it if she has a rockin bod that you keeeep talking about it. And if she has some problem areas she will be so grateful if you could help point them out to her. Sometimes we just need an outside opinion, you know? Go ahead and wax poetic about it too. No three-word sentences here. If you think her ears are weird, tell her why. Let's use some adjectives, guys!

4. If all else fails, take her dumpster diving. There's no better way on a first date to show her that you are a fun, spontaneous guy that can't afford the date you asked her on. Wanna up the ante here? Dumpster dive for edibles. So romantic. It is as much a surprise to you as it is to me that the man that took me for that wild ride and the one I ended up marrying were not the same man.

This is not an all-inclusive guide, of course. This guide is based on my own limited experiences. Maybe, if you're lucky, some ladies can add their two cents down in the comments about their tips on how to make a (terrible) lasting impression! Read up!