it's nice to finally meet myself.

I am sad for you, dear reader(s?), when my head is full of serious things. Because this blog is my nerdy little pensieve, like in harry potter. Where the only way to get my brain to shut up is by writing it down. To give my thoughts somewhere to breathe and live outside my head. So that's what today will be.

I feel like my life has been flipped upside-down and then pummeled so hard that it has become unrecognizable. Which makes it sound, of course, far more dramatic than it appears. But to me it is that dramatic. Something has happened inside me. I've finally noticed the little mist of melancholy that has settled over my heart over the last few months. Don't get me wrong. My family is wonderful. Dave is such an amazing father to our Reese. And Reese, well, she pretty much is the greatest thing on the face of the earth.

My use of melancholy is not some sneaky way of saying depression. Because it is not that. It just seems like discontent has been slowly creeping into my life. And I have been staring it in the face everyday, but everyday I saw this stranger and wrongfully named her Tiredness, Stress, or Distraction. She never corrected me. She wanted me to figure it out on my own that her name is Discontent, and her friend Change is on her way over.

I'm glad she came, but her stay is almost over. She made me think about every decision in my life. She asked a lot of hard questions.

Which is why I got rid of my smartphone. I read a few articles waxing poetic about the beauty of a simpler smartphone-free life. Those appealed to me, but when it came down to it, not having a smartphone is inconvenient. Then I read a couple articles on how having a smartphone makes you a sucky parent. Hmm. I get where they are coming from, but I also think that smartphones allow us to be out of the office (aka with our family) more overall, so I am not completely buying that. What really did it for me was watching the news, when the iPhone 5 came out. People were so absorbed in what they were doing once the doors opened (uh, sir, you're still standing in line)that the news anchor couldn't even get anyone to speak to her. The first customer to purchase one came sprinting out (wanting to be first, of course) and when he was interviewed he said something like, "omgitssoamazingitsfasterandsleekerandiloveit,ohyeahandihaven'tactuallylookedatityet." That was the rice that tipped the scale for me. Who are we? So I told a flabbergasted Dave that night in bed that we needed to dig out my ole dino phone and go to the verizon store. Because Discontent reminded me that I don't need that in my life. She reminded me that I love to get lost. And sometimes I just want to be completely alone. So I opened the door to Change, just a crack (Bonus: cheaper phone bill!).

I've been a Business major for quite a while now. Preceding that, I have been History, Poli Sci, Art (? I am an idiot), and Business Multimedia. Business is practical. Highly employable. Dave just got his degree in Anthropology, which is a one-way ticket to grad school. At a bachelor's level, there are not many people interested in hiring anthropologists. But it's okay. This is what he wants. He loves learning. He loves anthropology. Which means that I need a more employable degree for us to always fall back on.

Wait. What? Why has that been my mindset for so long? I believe in a God that loves me. I also believe that He wants me to be truly happy. While my family is a huge part of that, I think that for me to honestly find bliss is to use my talents and have accomplishments and satisfaction outside the home too. So, while I have complete faith that the Lord will bless Dave for  pursuing an education in something that he loves, I am now realizing that those rules apply to me too. How liberating! I have been in a tumultuous on-again-off-again relationship with school. Everyone makes jokes about how I will never get my degree. Maybe it's because I had been so focused on what will get me a job that I won't completely despise. Which is like inviting Discontent to move in with you.

It's like I forgot that everything in my life was a choice, and it took discontent to remind me that happiness is not one-size-fits-all. I think this is the beginning of something beautiful.