Baby Lists

I don't even know what to say. We had our sweet little baby Reese two weeks ago today! It's hard for me to sum up how our lives have changed. Instead of giving you the gory details of the birth and telling you just how awesome my pelvis is, I am going to list things about motherhood that have surprised me in the last two weeks. I really need to figure out some other way to organize my thoughts other than lists.

1. The paranoia. Historically, cute Dave is the paranoid one. He was paranoid about everything during the pregnancy. I was really good at the ole eye-roll when he would tell me that our baby would come out deformed if I didn't eat broccoli (I didn't eat it, and she is beautiful). Now, since removing the child from my uterus I am the paranoid one. Wha?? When did that happen? The first night it was just the three of us at home I noticed her toes were purple/blue. I thought she was dying and couldn't breathe and wasn't getting the oxygen to tell us that! I grabbed the keys to take her to the emergency room. Dave made me google it first. Google told me it was normal. Phew. I am constantly taking her temperature, and interpreting every squeak as a sign of some awful disease. Someone needs to cut me off from WebMD. I am projecting my hypochondriac mania onto my baby. I need to start doing yoga again and calm down.

2. The guilt. Now, don't get me wrong. I am happy. I will get to that later. But, honestly, there has been guilt and that was something that took me by surprise. Everyone gives you the advice that in the hospital you should let the nurses take the baby while you get some sleep. I let them take her for probably 6 of the 48 hours we were there. Primarily because she was new and beautiful and all mine, but I also felt guilty letting her out of my sight. A part of me felt like I would fail the first test of motherhood if I pawned her off onto other people.
At the hospital she nursed really well. She would eat and then fall right asleep with her belly full of colostrum. When we went home, my milk started to come in. Things went swimmingly. My mom stayed the first night with us, but Reesey was such an angel that I knew we could do it on our own the second night. That night was awful. I nursed for what seemed like 5 hours, and my baby was still screaming and crying and telling me she was hungry. She would eat for 20 minutes, fall asleep, and as soon as I would put her down in her crib she would start right back up again with her pathetic starving cry. Finally, I was so distraught and worn out that I fed her some formula* because I was sick of it. She took down the whole 2 ounces (she's only 4 days old here, so that's impressive) and slept like a rock the rest of the night. She was finally happy, but as I sat there feeding her the formula on the couch I sobbed. My exclusively breast-fed baby was drinking formula. I, as a mother, was stripping my child of valuable nutrients and anti-bodies just because I was tired. I was overcome with guilt. I felt like a horrible, selfish failure. I was also sleep-deprived, so I did not even try to suppress my tears. I was sobbing so loudly that Dave came out into the living room (aka the nursery) looking panicked and asking what was wrong with the baby. My response was, "She's drinking formula!" He just looked at me. I think he was worried about my sanity at that point, because his reply was, "Maybe you should call your mom in the morning and have her come stay with you and the baby." Ha. This makes me laugh now, but at the time I was so very upset. So after putting my happy, full baby to sleep I finally got some sleep myself. The next morning I got up and decided to try and pump, because if she's gonna eat from a bottle, at least it can be breastmilk. I couldn't even pump 2 ounces from the both of them. My poor girl had been trying so hard to nurse, but was getting nothing from it. That's why she had been so grumpy. She really was starving! That assuaged my guilt from the formula a little, but brought with it guilt about my stupid evil boobs trying to starve my baby and not working right. I did my best over the next few days to try and teach them that they needed to produce more for my kid, but at the same time I had to feed her more formula. I have managed not quite to quiet, but at least stifle the guilt that comes when I feed her formula. My milk has been a lot more plentiful, but she still has formula every now and then. Do I know this guilt is irrational? Yes I do. There are so many cases when women choose not to or cannot breastfeed, and it's not like that makes the difference between ivy league and community college later on. I just had made the decision that I would breast feed, and for me when I couldn't provide everything she needed it felt like a slap in the face from failure. I have done my best to convince my brain that getting nutrition from formula is better than getting no nutrition at all, and that sometimes it will honestly be impossible for me to nurse her. But I still get a twinge of guilt every time we make her a bottle. But no sobbing! Progress!

3. the change in priorities. Today is my birthday. People have been asking me what I want for my birthday for the last couple weeks. BR (before Reese) I had imagined that I would milk this birthday to its fullest, seeing as how I would be a brand new mom, frazzled, and in need of something extravagant. I feel the opposite now. I don't need anything, because I have everything. I have been unable to think of something I want, and when I do it's something like a Moby wrap, which will make carrying my sweet kid around easier. I live in a Reese-centric universe. Someone tell Galileo!

4. bionic ears. How is it that I can sleep through alarm clocks, but if my baby sighs in the next room, I can be roused from my REM cycle? Also, how does Dave sleep through it all!?

5. Nesting. Still. Pinterest has been my savior and favorite pal during the nighttime feedings. I have gotten about a billion DIY projects that I am going to do. Like this super sweet mobile (I am not going to show you the link, because I will post pictures after it's done. And then I will not tell you how easy it was) and some glowing jars. I am in craft-mode.

6. I didn't know that this much happiness could exist. When Dave and I fell in love I felt like my heart's capacity for love and happiness had expanded. It's done it again. Exponentially. We probably can't have more kids, because if this keeps happening I just might 'splode.

*Women who feed their babies formula are still wonderful mothers. In no way do I think women who breastfeed are superior or better mothers.

Nine months later...

Here is a list of things that are different since we last met:
1. I have completed 38 weeks of pregnancy.
2.
That might be the only difference. But it is a HUGE one! Sadly, that can also be taken literally. I die a little inside each time I go to the doctor and have to step on the scale. For some reason that feeling doesn't stick with me very long though. Definitely not long enough for me to deny myself that costco cake (and why would I? The bakery at costco puts magic in those cakes).
It is an interesting experience, though, creating life. My pregnancy has been pretty darn easy comparatively, so I am not going to fill this post with my woes. I remember once sitting in 9th grade English class looking down at my stomach, and I had a very poignant realization that some day that thing would house a person. Okay, I'm not stupid, and I knew prior to that experience that that's how it works. But knowing something intellectually and then having a realization emotionally are two separate and distinct things. I've had a lot of those over the last 38 weeks.
I love to list things, so here is my (probably cliched) list of some things that are actually cool about being pregnant:
1. The first time you feel the baby move is awesome. Some people get sick of it. I haven't. It's weird/amazing/beautiful. One of my primary kids asked why my baby wiggles so much. I told her it was because she is bored. She really probably is. Poor kid. But I like it.
2. Naps. I take them all the time. I love them. I feel zero guilt napping while pregnant.
3. I have a seriously awesome rack. Temporary? Yes. Is it going to be pitiful later? All signs point to yes. But for now, things are good (it's just a pity everything else looks awful right now..sigh. you can't have it all)
4. Sometimes you just need a good, long, irrational cry. I find a lot of my stories lately end with "..and I burst into tears."
5. Avoiding heavy lifting. This one is a double-edged sword though. Good when I don't want to lift stuff. Bad when I am nesting like crazy and want to rearrange all the furniture. I've had to settle for other psycho nesting acts instead, like vacuuming out cupboards, scrubbing the front door, and vacuuming the porch.
6. I waited until number six to state this one, but who am I kidding? This is definitely one of my favorites. I eat what I want in whatever quantities I want anytime I want. Yes, I do realize pregnancy will end, and I will have a tough habit to break. But that's later.
7. I am so large/hot/sick of being hungry all the time that I am really really excited to go into labor. Mother nature sure knows how to get you excited for something that should really scare you senseless. But I am ready. I am right now (it's almost midnight) contemplating scrubbing my floor because apparently the motions can assist your labor starting. The only problem is that my floor is spotless because I've already tried this 3 times this week. Hmmm.
8. Seeing Dave switch into Daddy mode has me goo goo eyed for him. It's the puppy love stage all over again. He is so in love with this baby, and that makes me crazier about him. Even in his sleep, his instinct is to hold my belly (which is adorable, but lately I've had to push him away because I have been a billion degrees). All it takes is for him to sing, talk, or try and high-five the baby, and I am blissfully happy. This is my all-time favorite thing about being pregnant.

Some of my favorite things

Oprah does this. People seem to enjoy it. The only difference here is that these are My Favorite Things; Pregnancy Edition, and that you will not be receiving any of these items. Unless you buy them.
On a side note, why hasn't America's favorite talk show host ever had children?? This seems like a real missed opportunity. Cool people are the ones that SHOULD be procreating. 


And here we goooooooooo! (I am trying to phonetically recreate Oprah-speak. Just go with me on this).

1. The Body Pillow
There are soooo many products out there for pregnancy. Since I am only sort of rich, I have not bought most of them. They have specialized curvy pillows that are supposed to cradle your expanding body. I'm not gonna lie, it's not always easy to get comfortable when you're pregnant. Especially if, like me, you are a back and belly sleeper. However, I spent ten well allocated dollars on a body pillow from walmart. It has been amazing. It's almost like tricking yourself into thinking you're sleeping on your belly. Does it contain patented contour shaping technology, like the Snoogle? Nope. Does it look completely ridiculous and have no function post pregnancy, like the Snoogle? Nope. Does it cost a bajillion dollars, like the Snoogle? Also no. So, while I'm sure the Snoogle is comfortable, I'll tell you that I have been pleased with my simple little $10 body pillow.

Snoogle! Not only does it look retarded, but it has a stupid name too. 

2. Panty Liners

I won't go into too much detail here, but these are great for those unexpected sneezes. And now we will move on. (I know what you're thinking....what, no picture? You'll just have to use your imagination on this one.)

3. Flip Flops

Especially for the last trimester, these have been my best friend. This way as my feet expand throughout the day, they have room to. The only con here is that my feet get really dirty. I hate that. Since I can't exactly reach my feet right now, I have to beg Dave to take a couple baby wipes to my feet and clean them off. I have only been successful in convincing him to do this like twice. My other option is to sit down in the shower after they have gotten soft to scrub them. I worry that someday I will find myself on the floor of my shower, unable to get back up. Buuut the flip flops are worth it.

4. Unisom

It is an over-the-counter sleeping pill that my OB told me to take to help with my morning sickness during the first trimester. It didn't really solve that...but it is powerful. I was only taking 1/4 of a dose, and it was enough to pretty much knock me out. When pregnancy insomnia strikes, this is my savior. I still only take 1/4 of a dose, because that way it puts me to sleep, but doesn't leave grogginess the next day. The best part is that it's not something I need every night. Usually it just takes one time to get my body back on track for the next few weeks. I love it.

5. C.O. Bigelow Lip Gloss

This was a staple before pregnancy, but I feel like it is important to note now too. Pregnancy is weird, and suddenly this body that I have been used to is completely different. Even my face is fatter. It's frustrating to me to feel so ugly all the time without being able to do anything about it. I know, I know, it's going to all be worth it in the end. I really do know that. But in the meantime, it has been important for my sanity and self-esteem to do things that make me feel pretty. Silly me, thinking that body image issues only existed during the teenage years. 

Seriously, there are SO MANY "must-have" products out there for pregnant mamas. Somehow I have survived without most of them. I think I'll probably make it all the way through without them too. 

Stories From The Past

At work the "children" ask me to tell them stories, as children do. Haha. Anyway, I thought of a couple stories from my life that were interesting and that I had almost forgotten. I wanted to place them here to remind me later in life.

Story 1:

I was driving downtown late one night on my way home. I was heading towards the freeway and was stopped at a red light next to apark which is a park of ill-repute after dark. All of a sudden a man came dashing at me. I thought I was going to be murdered. He was knocking on my window. I wasn't going to answer him, but then I noticed he was disheveled...maybe bleeding? I cracked my window (a surprisingly safe move for someone as street-naive as me) and he said "I just got mugged. Call the police! He just ran into the park!" So I called 911 for the first time in my life. However, I was in the middle lane of the road. The light turned green. I couldn't get over to the side of the road to help him, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to. What help could I be to him? This could be a ruse to get me to feel bad for him so he could brutally murder me. So, while still talking on the phone to the dispatcher I drove down the street, leaving him behind. I told the dispatcher everything I knew and drove home. Mostly guilt free. I'm pretty sure I did everything I should've...right?

Story 2:

Fall of freshman year me and the new friends decided to take advantage of the beautiful mountains and go camping one weekend. It was probably October, and the campground was closed, but we went in and set up camp anyway. It was great because the campground was absolutely empty, and you had to walk probably 200 yards before you could see the road.

That night as we were sitting around the campfire and singing (yes, we were doing that) a jeep cherokee pulls into our campsite. Now, it's about 11:00 at night. We're curious to see what's going on. This girl, looking about 21, gets out and explains that she's a little lost and she was supposed to meet her friends camping, but they bailed on her. She didn't want to drive the 20 minutes into town. So I say, "Sure! You can stay here tonight! Have some food!"...like an idiot. When we're back in our tent playing cards everyone starts discussing how weird this is. That hadn't occurred to me....because I'm an idiot. They had a point though. She said she was going to meet her friends and that she was from the city, but why was she all the way down here if they bailed on her? And why oh why did she come through the canyon the back way, instead of taking the main freeway through the state? And what kind of young girl just stops to spend the night with a bunch of strangers? Why wouldn't she continue the 20 minutes into the safety of the nearest town?

Freaked out, we partitioned off a space in the girls' tent and made the 3 boys stay in there with us so they could fight off the homicidal psychopath when she inevitably came to spill our blood. When we woke up the next morning she was gone. We weren't dead, but it was still just weird.

Not an informative post

My usual cop-out for not blogging is the "I have nothing to say," excuse. I realized today that this is false. I mean, obviously. I never shut up. So my real excuse is, "I am so opinionated that everything I would like to say will offend someone." We all know how it goes in the movies. You say something about someone, then your relationship changes and you feel awful about what you used to think and then they find some trace of it. So, I am going to keep things as vague as possible. We all know that makes for fantastic reading.

The other day the husband and I were presented with some choices. Mostly one big one. A life-altering one. It was met with hardly any enthusiasm, even though he and I feel very enthusiastic and confident about it. I mean, this is way bigger than the whole "How high of a thread-count are we willing to buy?" or "white or wheat?" kind of thing. I feel that we have already made our decision, but it is sort of a change of pace that those around us aren't as supportive as we thought. We are very blessed to be surrounded by people who love and support us, in most cases :). We are both the youngest children, so I feel like that is part of it. This is going to be a slow process, for this decision to take effect, and we have already done oodles of research. We've weighed the pros and the cons, we've taken a spiritual approach...but we're still the babies in the family, so I'm sure it's disconcerting for everyone to see this decision and think that we can understand the depth of it. We sure can.

Besides, if it all goes to crap, what's the worst that could happen?

Babies and Books

I love summer! Team Dorius loves summer. We have so many plans! Dave is gobbling up books like crazy. I think he's read about 7 in the last couple weeks. I am in a close second with 2. Ha. Relating to that, let me give you my critique of Dan Brown's The Lost Symbol.

The Da Vinci Code was fast-paced and intriguing. The Lost Symbol was fast paced. It has some interesting twists, but (SPOILER ALERT!) I just found the whole thing redundant, over dramatic, and pointless. Exactly why is it necessary to keep different pieces of the puzzle separate, because they are "too powerful" when at the end they are simply a tool of piquing interest? It's full of "man-is God" doctrine and complicated clues loosely tied to a non-solution of metaphor. All in all, I kept waiting for it to hold my interest and attention the way The Da Vinci Code did, but we never reached that. Sorry, Mr. Brown, but the book stunk of desperation. It seemed so forced. You took a good shot, but you probably should've just quit while you were ahead.

In other news, we have a new little person in our family! Dave's sister had a little boy on May 4th. His name is Trenton. He was born with a little cleft palate, so when we went to visit him he was in the infant ICU (NICU), simply because he needed a little feeding tube, because he had to be taught to eat. He was carried full term, so he is normal sized. Next to all the other NICU babies he's a giant. It broke my heart a little to see these tiny things. Trenton's roommate had the most adorable hiccups, followed by an alarming (to me) attempt to rip out his feeding tube. Mommy and baby should be coming home today.

Seeing all those teenies reminds how far I still am from being ready to have my own. I think there's still a lot Dave and I need to do first. Not in the have a career, buy a house, get a nice car sense, more in the emotional/spiritual sense. I know that nothing quite prepares you for being a parent, but I would like to do the best I can and skip any regrets. I will NOT let my child read The Lost Symbol. What a waste of time.

Life is good and hard.

Maybe this stuff is too heavy for a blog that is basically visable to anyone (though I'm sure no one really looks) but I just feel like I need to have a vent session.

For the last 8 married months of my life I have never felt happiness like this. I have never felt poverty like this, I have never felt wealthy like this. But at the same time I feel like now that I am in my "real life" things matter so much more, which has also created an un-before-seen amount of stress on me.

First it was the money. That was such a great lesson. We literally had nothing. We would've gone down to steal food from family more often if we could've afforded the gas. We got to a point where we had eaten all of our ramen, mac n' cheese, and spaghetti noodles. We were hungry, but somehow managed to have just enough for bills, after tithing, of course. Never had either of us struggled like that before. Dave really stepped up to the plate and turned into this wonderful money manager, despite a history (for both of us) of a casual approach to money management. Once we finally had some more money coming in we felt so overwhelmed(in the "my cup runneth o'er" kind of way). We could buy milk. Every week if we wanted to! That was a wonderful and HARD thing we went through. I am so grateful, but at the time I would occasionally break down into tears with fear, pressure, and the arguments that came from it.

Now we are onto an entirely new lesson. Dave and I are having some health problems. Dave more than me, but I'm sure it will all work out eventually.