how to make poverty look sexy

Now let me tell you, if you think Dave and I are poor NOW (we are) this is NOTHING compared to the poverty we have survived before. The difference is mainly that now it's like "Oh, I have use my own hands to cook food because I can't afford the salary for Gordon Ramsay" and then it was like "Oh, I can't remember last time we had sauce on our noodles" type of poor. Okay, so the first one I exaggerated a lot. The second one, sadly, I am barely exaggerating.

Here is Dave laying on our newlywed  "bed" which was made up of a futon so uncomfortable we had to put an air mattress on top of it. 

That being said, being poor is awesome. Sort of. It's not awesome at the time, but boy does it teach you an awful lot and give you some frighteningly great stories.

Growing up, my family always had enough, but we were not rich (because my parents were squirreling away all their secret riches to buy houses and vacations the second all of us moved out. Seriously, Costa Rica AND Jamaica in a year?!--but I digress). A lot of the decisions my parents made made me into the person I am today. I am not sure if they made those decisions based on finances, or if they intentionally avoided some things in life. Decisions such as:

1. Not having cable. I remember specifically the day I figured out that we didn't have cable. I was probably 8 or 9, and I was watching some cool TV show at the Gardiner's house, but it was time for me to go home. I  asked Susan what channel we were watching, so I could finish the show at home. She told me channel 10. I went home and tried in vain to find channel 10. My mom had to explain to me that we didn't have that channel.

As a kid, I was a little jealous of the kids who could watch all the cool shows on the Disney channel. It was exciting when I got to see a show everyone was talking about. But was I suffering without cable? Absolutely not. I wanted it, but I also wanted to ride a million pink ponies to a land of ice cream treats. So clearly, my brain could not be trusted.

Dave and I have cable now. He grew up with it, and felt deprived when we couldn't afford it. Now I am regretting it. We both agreed that we deserved it because we work hard and need a way to unwind. Which was all lies. Of course I watch TV, but I feel like my life would be better, more creative, more healthy, more efficient, if we had chosen not to get cable. I am not gonna lie, it also freaks me out how absorbed Reese can become in Sesame Street (says the woman who can be on pinterest for hours and not realize a second has passed).

2. We NEVER ate out. On our birthday, we got to pick dinner, so one year I remember asking for a happy meal (a delicacy!) and macaroni and cheese for everyone else, because I thought McDonald's was too expensive for my parents to buy for everyone. Which is funny, because my parents never discussed their finances with us or in front of us. The first time I even got an inkling of how much money my dad brought in was when I was 16 or 17. But we always ate at home. And it was good for us. In this world or rampant obesity, I am proud to say that my family has resisted that. We are not a family of health nuts. My mother did not diet or count calories for us. We just ate at home, at the table. In turn, as adults, none of my sisters are overweight(except maybe me...but shut up! I'm working on it!), and not a single one of the my parents' grandchildren has a weight issue. Intentionally or unintentionally, my parents showed us what was important.

I recently watched  (and obsessed over) HBO's weight of a nation documentary series. Yes, I understand that statistics can be skewed, but I feel that no one can argue the main message, America is fat and getting fatter, and we will all die big fatties if we can't figure this out. One thing it spent some time discussing is childhood obesity among impoverished communities. It astounded me. Kids eating every meal off the dollar menu and looking like blimps because of it. The thing that really astounded me was that I feel I eat out SO MUCH MORE when Dave and I have a little heavier cash flow. Being poor forces me to go to the grocery store and plan out some meals, and eat at home. I just don't understand. I feel like these parents are not thinking this through, and don't understand what I like to think of as the Costco principle. I went to Costco a while ago with a couple who was newlywed and struggling, and they were shocked at Costco's prices. They were shocked when I spent $100 there. I tried to explain to them how it might be a big expense all at once, but if you are spending $10 on lunch and dinner (not even an expensive meal) it takes less than two weeks to spend as much as I did at Costco, on more food that will feed my family healthier and longer. I feel like people can't understand that concept. And that's why 'Mericuh is just a bunch of fatties arguing about the healthcare system that they need to treat their exploding fat-filled hearts.

This has turned into quite the lengthy post. And I am not even remotely done discussing the greatness that being poor will make you. Patience, my friends. Patience. We'll get there.

"if I am just a hypochrondriac then why is there REAL puke everywhere?!"

I learned something about myself today. I thought I was a (mostly) chill mom. Shrugging off paranoia. Being cool like Bonnie Hunt, letting my 12 mongrels run around and figuring that Darwin would sort things out.

Reese proved me wrong when she projectile vomited all over me. Don't get me wrong, I have dealt with lots of things escaping her mouth. She is a drool/spit-up ace. But this was different. It was smelly. Different smelly. Anyway, I promptly lost my cool and called Dave and made him come home. If I can regain any cool points here, Dave was the one to suggest we take her to the doctor, not me. Cooool as a cucumber. Anyway, since the amount of puke was substantial and Reese was doing a weird cat-whine thing, the doctor sounded like a good idea. Not only did she puke on me, but while we were heading out to the doctor's office she puked on Dave too (!!). So now he's in the club. We like to avoid the word hazing.

This is her cat-whine face in the waiting room. Seriously broke my heart, because she was miserable. The doctor told us it's a little stomach bug going around. We should expect a low-grade temperature, and the world will right itself in 3-5 days. I can handle that.

The fun continues. I was sick a day before. Just a little pukey. Thought I was over it. Then I realized I wasn't. Good thing my hunky esposo was there to take care of Reese and me at our most pathetic. We both just laid in bed cat-whining and drinking pedialyte.

Because we know how to party.

things that are dumb.

It is late and I can't sleep. I am in a terrible, awful, bad-news mood. Everything is annoying. Here's a teensy dose of the things that are bothering me.


1. The loudest people are often the most ignorant. I feel like there is an endless barrage of ignorance attacking me. Like this massive over-simplification of a complicated topic. I do not pretend to have an extensive understanding of economics. Suffice it to say that I have enough knowledge to understand that it is COMPLICATED. More complicated than a snake picture and 14 words.

2. People who don't do their research when voting. Yes, elections are coming up. Yes, it looks like Mr. Romney is going to get the backing of the GOP. And yes, everyone in Utah is going to vote for him by default (besides me. I am undecided and still have months to figure it out). In 2008 when Romney was in the running for a second, I remember sitting in church and hearing a member of my sunday school class proclaim that Romney would be the answer to all our problems because he was Mormon and blah blah blah. That made me so angry. I will never vote for someone simply because he is Mormon. Yes, I love the LDS church and I believe it is the true church on this earth. No, I do not think that LDS people are perfect. I am still going to study out the candidates, hear what they have to say, and THEN make my decision. If I choose Romney after all that, then so be it. But I would NEVER vote for someone (or against someone, for that matter) simply because of their religious affiliation.

3. Disrespect of Jesus Christ and subsequent guilting via facebook. Did you know that Jesus Christ has his own facebook page? And that "He" posts photoshopped pictures of angels transposed into accident scenes? And that he wants you to share it with all your friends if YOU'RE NOT ASHAMED OF HIM?!

OUT-RAGE-OUS. Seriously. So disrespectful. The relationship you, I, or any of my facebook friends have with Jesus Christ is personal. I will not repost. I am also not ashamed. Please, if anyone wants to discuss my thoughts on religion and my faith therein, I would love to have that intimate, private, and serious conversation in a setting befitting of that kind of topic. I do understand that a lot of people who choose to post those things have good intentions, but do you see what you are doing? You are A. Mocking a Christ that you claim to have faith in (being facebook friends with "Him" does not make up for that) B. Accusing others who do not agree with that form of religious discussion (if it can be called that) of being ashamed or unfaithful.

That's the short list. I am now going to go peruse pinterest (<--NOT dumb) until I feel tired.

.

There was a dark curly hair in my deodorant.

And that was how I found out Dave ran out of deodorant and had been using mine. But for how long? He has done this before. I once found an amazing deal on Secret deodorant (Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman) and so I bought literally 12 sticks. Deodorant doesn't go bad, does it? So now, again, Dave has run out of his and has started using mine. I've tried everything, save actually buying him his own stick, to get him to stop. I have ridiculed him at home and in front of his peers. He has no shame. He just adds it to his list of endearing quirks. I am just going to have to keep rolling my eyes and picking the armpit hair out of my deodorant.

Or, you know, just buy him his own.

my un-resolutions pt. 1

This year I don't resolve to do anything. Every single time I make a resolution I break it. My resolve is worth crap. But I have decided to make a few little goals. Here is the first in my utterly un-fascinating list of un-resolutions.

1. lose the baby weight

I know this is such a cliche. Boo hoo. Get over it.

The other day Dave asked me about insecurities. I don't remember exactly how it came up, but he was asking about how I know what women are insecure about. I felt pretty smart when I explained that when women are insecure about something they bring it up. Not always in a self-deprecating way, but often apologetically, and many times through humor. I felt even smarter when he rattled off a few women and I was able to tell him what (I perceive, and I'm pretty certain I'm right) are their insecurities. Then I was thinking about my own endless verbal spewings. I don't know how my friends stand me! I am so fixated on my issues and insecurities that I constantly bring them up. But saying "haha let me eat this entire cake right now because it's hard to not eat like I'm pregnant even though I have a five-month-old and should totally be used to not making a human baby inside my body" isn't really cute. It's sad. I am fixated on my weight, and I feel like everyone is watching every bite I take and judging it, when in fact I am the only one obsessed with it.

Yeah, my body is different. My habits are different. I have a kid now, so I could totally just go on wearing maternity jeans until I give in and just buy fat pants and then buy bigger fat pants because I'm still eating ravenously and have 800 more babies and put on 20 pounds that I'll never lose for each of those. That's 1600 lbs, my friends. And while that sounds super fun, that would also require a lifetime's worth of awkward self-conscious comments. BTW, props to Mama Duggar who has been pregnant pretty much constantly since the dawn of time and isn't a ginormous cow. So I could follow that trajectory and gleefully shove fist-fulls of mayonnaise in my face everyday, but I would rather suffer through a little bit of self-discipline and sweat than have to come up with all those excuses for the rest of my life.

So here it is. This year I want to lose my extra padding. I want to feel comfortable in my clothes. I want to feel like I can pull off whatever I want to wear. I want to feel strong and in control.

how to be the best mother in the world

Here are some tips, based on my extensive experience, for those of you who aren't as awesome as I am at motherhood.

A. When the baby starts to whine at night, ignore it until it becomes full out crying (and you can't sleep through it anymore). That way you teach the baby not only to try and figure things out on their own, but also not to bother you.
B. Sometimes when the baby falls asleep when you are out, put them in their carrier without buckling them.When you are ready to go, forget that you didn't buckle them and put them in the car that way. Let them ride in the car without being buckled. Babies really like the sense of danger. Another plus is that if they learn to handle risks well at an early age, they will be really successful when investing in the stock market*(*results not typical).
C. If that darn baby manages to get you up at night by disturbing your sleep and you notice that their diaper is wet, don't change it. It teaches babies that you aren't going to cater to their every whim. Also, you will probably make it hard for them to go back to sleep which means it will be even longer before you can go back to sleep. Boooooo.
D. When the baby is content to watch the terrible reality TV shows that you like, let them. Don't change the channel to some namby-pamby baby crap with classical music and letters and stuff. How else are they supposed to learn about the world if they don't watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians? Babies have their whole lives to learn letters. They only have a small window in which to determine how to interact with other people and then BOOM, they're in preschool. They need to be prepared.

Project #1: Baby mobile!

As I briefly mentioned in a previous post, I am going nuts for DIY projects to cute up my house. D is relieved that I actually finished one! My first completed project is a mobile I made to go over Reese's crib, since her "nursery" is a corner of the living room and I wanted to make it seem a little more nursery. I based it on this project I found on Pinterest:


I loved the pink ombre colors and how soft and sweet and feminine it was. Also, it's made with paint chips! And they are free! So in order to make this, I went to Lowe's to get the paint chips, and I ran into a little lamp shade that was $2 on clearance. I originally had a square one I was intending on using, but late one night on his way to get the crying baby Dave stumbled into my "craft room" (aka living room floor) and broke it. So, I was very happy when I found a replacement lamp shade on clearance. I took that there lamp shade home and used very primitive tactics to remove the cover on the lampshade, leaving just the exposed frame. Note to self: add exacto knife to your Christmas wish list.
 Anyway, in the original project, the lady used a frilly edged punch to get her circles, but since I already had 1.5 diameter circle punch without a frilly edge, I decided that I even if I omitted the decorative edge. After punching for what seemed like forever (and even trip #2 to Lowe's to get more paint chips) I started making the strips. I lined them up end to end, put down a string of thread, and then laid a long piece of tape down the whole row. I seriously don't know how she did it, but I could not for the life of me get my rows straight. And even if I did manage to get it straight, I would inevitably tape it crooked onto the lampshade skeleton. It was frustrating. I was annoyed that this project looked so simple and I was really struggling to get it right. Then, laying in bed, I had a flash of insight. So, instead of trying to make this work, I went and ripped apart all the strips I had already put together, made my thread longer and taped double-sided circles to it. Here was my result!

(sorry it's a bad picture. I took it with my phone)
I actually think I like it more this way. The only thing I would've done differently is that I would've spray painted the lampshade cream if I had known I was going to make it so much more visible than it is in my inspiration project. But I love it! It looks perfect right over her crib and makes her little nook feel a little less like living room. All in all, this project only cost me $2 for a lampshade!